It's Not Easy

Well, I'm officially home and in the comfort of an air conditioned Panera Bread sipping a mango smoothie and praying I don't have to use the bathroom in the next hour so I can write this lol.  I'm so used to talking about my bathroom habits with everyone, I think i'm going to have to remind myself not to let everyone know when i need to go all the time....I'm pretty sure my parents are already tired of it. But lets back up a little bit cuz there's been a lot of drama in the past week. 
My fellow "real world" cast all know that our cook vinolia was caught red handed looking through ashley's wallet and was singing her way to the unemployment office (if Ghana had one of those...).  In hindsight I can see how my emotions probably got the best of me that night.  I was angry clearly, the reason is probably still unclear to me.  I'm not naive, I loved Ghana as much as anyone and went through the mix of emotions when it came to the country, but I also knew the place was full of people that were trying to take us for our money.  I remember writing in my journal about a day where I felt successful; I caught a tro tro, had a great day at Good Shepherd and played with babies at Royal Seed, bought an egg on the side of the road and maneuvered through the market well.  At one point I felt unstoppable there, I felt like if I really wanted to make this my life, I could.  Everyone joked that at our "one year reunion" I would be the one already there, with my little mixed babies, practically the next "pure water" lady.  But that's when I thought Ayuba was a good guy...Not that I would have married the man or had babies with him but Lord knows I thought I had a friend in him.  When everything went down with him and then Vinolia, trust became much harder.  When I called my mom the night of the "theft" she even remarked that I sounded kind of mean and distrustful.  I don't know, things are just different now.  Not that I'm some mean person but I definitely feel a bit wiser.  All of us are now though.  We've seen how things go, how corrupt that country can be.  But don't get me wrong. Ghana was amazing.  It changed my life for the better.  The people in general were the most friendly people ever.  And unlike some of my housemates, I miss the random call of obruni on the streets.  I miss being a celebrity just because I'm white.  I miss buying food off the street or being able to go out only carrying money and having unshaven legs.  Obviously, things here are just plain different.  The culture shock has been pretty difficult so far just because I don't even really feel at home in my own home.  I took a nap yesterday when I got home and when I woke up I was genuinely confused as to where I was and when I could go home.  I was laying in my own bed.  Depressing to say the least. 
To be completely honest coming home is sort of bittersweet.  By week 2 in Ghana I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't make the difference that I truly thought I would, changing anything in that culture takes more than just a white girl with some hope.  But I also knew that there wasn't much for me in St. Louis.  After losing a job and boyfriend back in February, this trip was basically my way back to sanity.  To figure my life out again and to start really doing something instead of just letting my life pass me by.  I wasn't going to spend my 25th birthday alone, in a job that I hated, doing what I had done every year before.  I needed to figure things out.  I believed before I left that once I came back things could hopefully fall back in to place.  I could find a job that I love, finish school and live the life I should have been living all along.  But see that was my problem.  I used to get caught up in the should's.  I saw people that had traveled all over the world and thought, that should be me, I shouldn't be in the place I am.  Now I can honestly say that even though things weren't exactly how I planned in the past couple of years, those years taught me life lessons that led me up to this point in my life.  I am who I am and it doesn't matter that I did this trip at 25 instead of 21 or 18 or even 16, like the people i've spent the past 2 months with.  The fact that I've done it, that i've experienced this and have learned from it, is really what matters. 
I honestly feel this is an experience that everyone should do.  To just see how different the culture is just changes you.  But I do almost feel like I shouldn't be where I am.  Putting on makeup and straightening my hair today just felt wrong.  To do these superficial things while, a world away, people are living the way Ghanians do, simply, without all the things I've learned to take for granted, well I just didn't feel right.  I felt like those obrunis that I saw in the mall or at the beach in Ghana, like full of privilage.  Granted I'm basically broke now because of this trip and really do have to start over but still.  I have ten times more than those people.  I looked at houses on the "bad side of town" yesterday and thought, wow these are like mansions compared to Kasoa.  It's hard to explain but I started realizing how different I am around week 4, not too soon after my birthday, feeling on top of the world, like this was my new home.  Suddenly I realized how much I stuck out like a sore thumb.  And I know how education can be, how health care can be, so it's incredibly hard to live in a society where it's so unorganized and basic.  Knowing what I know, I couldn't possibly live there because I'd constantly be saying, well in America it's like this, and wanting to fix it and change it.  And while it might "work" for them, I'll always know it could be "better."  You can't go back when you've seen how it can be.  As Ayuba would say about everything in Ghana, "it's not easy." 
So in the end, I had a very dramatic last 24 hours in Ghana.  Saturday morning I cried like a baby when Ashley left because things were ending, and I was next.  Richard went with Billy to Cape Coast for the day so I was left to fend for myself the whole day.  I was bored out of my mind and worried when my cab wasn't there at 5:30.  Richard and Billy pull up in a cab around 6:15 and I was livid.  So then Billy gives this cab driver like a decent amount of money, like possibly 20-30 cedi? before we left.  Shady right? Hold that thought...So I'm driving away finally and guess what I did? I cried!!! Surprise Surprise.  I mean come on, I watched 14 people leave that house.  it was my turn yo. But see as we are pulling out of the house, I see the cab driver give Richard some of the money that Billy gave him. Hmmm still shady eh?  But then on the way to the airport, the taxi overheats and we're stuck in crazy traffic.  Richard manages to hail another cab after his many many teeth kissing sounds of displeasure and gives the money that the cab driver had gotten from Billy to pay for my new car, saying that he would get paid later in the week.  Then he tells me how he'll have to pay for the taxi repairs (idk why) and that he didn't have money to get home.  I was all set to give him my couple of cedi that I was saving for souvineers to take for a tro tro ride home.  But then at the airport he randomly has me get out 30 cedi before he tells me where the heck I'm going and asks for that money before he leaves.  I'm like uh what just happened here? So basically I just either paid for Richard's cab ride home or that taxi that overheated, neither of which were my responsibility especially when I'm supposed to get a free cab ride to the airport.  Lets just say, Franklin's going to need to up his refund to me.  So if no one thought Richard was shady before and trust me, I already knew the man wasn't on the up and up, this just proves things.  I just barely got to the airport in time but made it, only to watch a fight between 2 women, supposedly over one of them cutting in line.  oh Ghana.  My flight in Washington was delayed too but I met some lovely people there so it wasn't too bad.  I seriously debated getting a Five Guys Burger at 7 am but decided against it since my stomach was not right to begin with.  I did eat a lot of cheese when I got home though. 
the adjustment hasn't been easy.  Like I said, I don't exactly feel at home in my own home and driving is making me kind of nervous.  I did get my eyebrows waxed though, that feels much better.  I wish I could explain how it feels to be back but it's just hard.  Everyone I spent this trip with knows how I feel I'm sure, but it's so hard to explain to anyone else how it is to see white people everywhere, or be able to have food at anytime.  To have fast internet, coffee, TV.  Basics we take for granted just don't feel right.  I know I was ready to come home but I'm still a little unsure about where home is now.  It's not easy...

Birthday in Ghana!

So, just wanted to assure everyone that i'm not dead in africa since it's been a while since i've posted and it's even been a week since i've been on facebook! a record for me yo. everything is absolutely amazing here.  i've kind of found my groove and feel really at home here.  i go and work at good shepherd in the mornings and basically just grade 6th graders papers and listen to the longest stories EVER from Ayuba, my new favorite person in Ghana.  He's the teacher there and is basically the only teacher who doesn't cane the kids! he's really nice and everyone basically calls him my boyfriend around here.  today he bought me a huge bag of candy and sheep meat from the side of the road. so romantic...
The group has been amazing, especially for my birthday today. i'm apparently getting cereal later which i'm pretty excited about. everyone is most likely expecting me to cry when i have it, i'm sure.  vinolia made us this pasta salad this morning which is my favorite breakfast even if it's completely not breakfast food.  i think i've had more to eat today than i have the whole trip actually.
I don't think i mentioned the trip to the beach we took a few weeks ago but i wanted to write a little bit about it.  We went on the longest tro tro ride (about 5 hours) to Busua, but stayed at the Hideout lodge in Butre which is close but apparently not close enough to get a cheap taxi to (we paid 8 cedi, not cool). the beach was amazing though. on sunday it rained and it was actually cold, a cold i was not prepared for so i wrapped up in the sheet they gave me for the mattress i slept on (on the floor since it was a 4 bed tree house and 5 of us went. yeah i basically slept in sand).  I learned how to play the african drums while watching the rain pour down on the beach. it was amazing.
So at this point there's 8 of us in the house. one of the guys left today since he broke his pinky toe in a soccer game between the schools last week.  he's been hobbling around with the shower rod as his crutch for the past couple of days.  A bunch of people will leave this weekend too (more tears to come of course) but we're trying to take a day trip to cape coast, possibly friday, then a trip to the beach saturday before they leave.  at this point, i'll be the last person to go; ashley, my roomie leaves the same day i do but in the morning, but everyone else leaves before us.  we hear there might be more people coming though.
my school stuff seems to be straightened out so i'm basically worry free, except of course i need a job when i come back.  Ayuba, who seriously has magical powers, assures me i'll find something though. he says it is for sure.  my favorite saying of his is "it's not easy." it seems everything in africa isn't easy lol.
i want to say so much more but i'd be here forever and, while an hour is only 70 peswas, i really don't want to spend the rest of my day in a hot internet cafe lol! the weather is amazing btw, it's basically their cold season since it's rainy.  i've seen people in sweaters and coats, it's nuts. sometimes i feel a bit chilly too though. mosquito bites aren't as bad too!
alright i'm done for now! i'll try to write another soon, but really, i kind of like the isolation from the internet.  best birthday ever though :)

week 2

Well i hit my brick wall, so to speak, the other day.  I flat out cried (and sorta laughed too) just from being so let down.  obviously i didn't think i was going to change the world by coming here but it's a little hard to see change and its pretty much impossible to see large scale change.  I started working at the orphanage this week which is definitely different than what i'm used to.  today one of the teachers was sick so they combined classes and there were a good maybe 35 kids in one tiny room with one teacher and me.  no supplies, just a chalk board and some slates and little books for the kids to write in.  I'm helping a class of little ones; around 3-4 but they added in the older kids; probably around 6, so there was just no order in that room.  definitely frustrating.  some of the other girls are doing medical outreach and feel the same way.  they don't feel they can truly help and are doing a lot of observing.  i don't want to make it sound totally negative because it really has been so great being here so far but i've really learned a lot about myself and what i truly want, just within about a week. 

it also smells here by the way.  people pee everywhere and if you're a person who likes to know where their toilet is, this is not the country for you.  the power hasn't gone out too many times, maybe 3 or 4 since i've been here and i came close to not having a shower the other night because the water was out.  if it's out, we have to get a bucket from the tank in the back and take a bucket shower.  i don't want to do that.  i need my showers.  but the smell is a mix of dirt, shit, BO, and diesel fuel exhaust.  not fun.  especially when you're riding in a tro tro or walking back 4 miles from the orphanage....

ok i'm complaining too much huh? it really is great here though.  the girls i live with are so much fun.  we went to a beach sort of near by last weekend and are going on a four day weekend trip to another beach this weekend.  we'll do this dancing lesson thing the week after that, plus i really want to see the castles at cape coast.  i feel like i do a lot in a day and have done a lot of different things just in the past week.  we went to a hospital in Accra last week and i'm going to try to go with the other girls when they do rounds or counseling there.  i want to go to the maternity clinic with one of the girls, even if she feels like she can't do much there, it would still be cool to observe.  they have been talking about going to other orphanages in the area so i'll probably branch out too and try those out.  it's cool that i'll get a lot of opportunities to see things here. 

by now i think i've gotten used to the people just screaming obruni at me.  the kids especially, could see you from a mile away and want to wave at you, just because you're white.  the men kinda hit on us a lot too, i've gotten a lot of looks up and down, and a good couple of marriage proposals.  they just want you for your money though.  really, that's kind of the thing around here; if you're white the people think you're rich even if you have like barely enough money to get through the next semester of school (like me...) things are pretty cheap though, in some places.  you get a bag of water for 5 peswas, which is like 5 cents.  ice cream on the street is 50 peswas, a taxi ride could cost like 1 cedi (like a dollar) depending on where you're going.  we take a taxi or tro tro to work in the morning which is like 30-40 peswas, then walk the 4 miles back.  it's kinda nuts. but good for all the starch i'm eating.  i want cereal sooooooooo bad.

ok well my time is almost up so i'm going to wrap things up but i'll try to write again soon!

Ghana so far

Well I just wanted to update everyone on how things are going so far! I got sorta sick-ish on Tuesday, no puking yet though! The food is definitely something to get used to; I've eaten rice, with no sauce, pasta, with no sauce, more rice with no sauce, rice pudding.... you get the drift.  Today I had a smoothie though; we went to the mall in Accra which was pretty cool.  But before that a group of us went to the leprosy camp which was definitely an experience. I obviously cried after we left because it was just so heartbreaking, a lot of these people had no feet or hands or whatever but still were so positive.  We actually prayed with them which was really cool.  It was just so neat to see how they believed so much in God and were still grateful, even in their condition.  It gives a person a lot of perspective.  When people say that they don't believe in God, I really wish they could experience something like that.  The people still believed and were still amazingly positive through it all.  It's just awesome.

So yes there really are goats and chickens EVERYWHERE especially around our house in Kasoa.  I do have a toilet and a shower but the shower is cold.  I really don't mind the cold after a nasty hot, humid day.  The views are beautiful especially on the way to Accra which is technically about 30 miles from Kasoa but driving takes FOREVER! You can take a taxi but it's more expensive so most people take a tro tro which is like a huge van that fits a ton of people.  The ones to Accra can fit about 23 in there, plus the women will keep the kids strapped on their backs so you could fit in a few kids too.  The women also will put the stuff they want you to buy on their heads and balance it, just like you would think when you think of Africa lol.  I definitely want to try it..and take pictures.  I also want to see if I could strap a baby on my back like they do but I'm scared I'd drop a kid.  Not sure they'd really care around here though...

I am basically nasty though, showering doesn't really help because it's so hot and the room we sleep in is kinda gross.  The bathroom we have is gross-er but there's another one that is somewhat cleaner...I sleep under a mosquito net every night and put on bug spray before going to bed.  I barely wear makeup!!!! Actually, I try to put on a bit of powder just cuz I feel gross without it but I've given up on my staple: eyeliner.  Oh and I went to the beach on Monday, the first time in 24 years that I've seen the ocean, which was pretty cool. 

I'm pretty sure Richard is my savior though.  He's the house-brother, guide, whatever/ my new boyfriend lol.  He takes us around and I'm pretty much dependent on him, actually I think today was the first time I went out with the group and not him (coming here to the internet cafe).  He's awesome. I'm pretty sure I'm going to save up for him to get a motorbike because he's obsessed. Or a plane ticket so he can come see snow lol.  Last night he flat out just thanked God that two of us girls didn't get sick and is so open about being respectful.  It's crazy, Ghanians are pretty friendly and free but in some ways a little shady.  They will call you white (actually there's a word for it but i'm not sure of the spelling off the top of my head). But they'll call you that and ask you how you are.  Or they will call you fat or skinny.  Really they just say what they see, it's not meant to be an insult, just telling it like it is.  I don't mind, it's kind of funny. 

So I think the group is waiting for me, so I've got to run, but I'll update again ASAP!

No matter how long it's been, you always remember.  Someone talks about a movie, or you go to a particular restaurant, you hear a song.  There will always be reminders, no matter how long someone has been gone from your life.  It's been right around 6 years and I still remember Andy putting his number in my phone with the name "love of my life."  I also remember the night he put his hands around my throat in anger.  It's been 2 years since David came up to me to get the dance I asked for at his sister's wedding.  But I also remember his call, telling me he didn't really love me.  It's been a year since my first date with Mike, where we got excited about the things we had in common, even if it was as simple as drinks that we both liked.  Remembering his words, that I created the monster he became in our dysfunctional relationship, still hurts me now.

But I will never stop believing in love.

Last week I finished a paper on love for my intro to theology class, a topic I picked to understand something I knew all along.  I've loved, basically my entire life, with the agape I wrote about, unselfish, benevolent love with no strings.  Most of the time it gets me in trouble; people probably think it's naive but I'm pretty sure I'm better off for it.  I might cry (more than the average person!) and get upset for a while, spending time by myself, letting myself listen to all the songs I shouldn't.  But I never, ever regret a second of time I spend with another person in which I gave them everything I could.  I've been given a gift.  And closing myself off and keeping myself from the potential to have something great is like keeping that gift locked away.  Yes, things have turned out difficult and hard, and yes, I still get upset or sad when I think about time I spent with people, but that pain is nothing compared to how great it feels when you truly care for another person.  It's the risk you take.  And I'm going to keep on taking it.

My Test

I woke up this morning incredibly mad.  I had made a very adult decision the night before, one that I probably wouldn't have made in previous years in similar situations.  At the time I had figured that I made that decision because I wasn't "moved on" or because I was still angry at Mike.  And while that grieving continues, it wasn't the reason behind my big adult decision.  But it certainly did influence my bad mood.

I woke up after this decision convinced that I was getting royally screwed over and that, as the "good guy", I was losing, while "the bad guy" was winning. That would piss off anyone. But I really can't see things that way.   I have had to make the decision to take things slowly with someone who has come in to my life, which wasn't exactly "fun." It's been smart and the right thing to do, which usually doesn't always feel as good as jumping in head first (basically what Mike did a day after we had broken up).  And while I'm not bitter about some girl he's seeing, I've been incredibly upset that I was treated that way and that the "bad guy" is supposedly winning.  I spent a lot of time justifying things, believing that at some point I'll get my "justice" but I think that's more poison than anything.  It is quite possible that he will continue to believe what he did was ok and move on and be happy.  It's happened before and it can happen again.  In time I'll be ok.  But that's exactly what I wasn't giving myself.  Time.

I think my decision has been the right one overall though, it's best not to jump into anything too quickly, especially when I know I'm still angry.  But that anger isn't going to get me anywhere.  What I have to do now is try to forgive.  It's hard to do honestly.  When someone tells you terrible things and puts you down to your lowest, you're not too inclined to offer that forgiveness.  I have to.  Otherwise I'm stuck.  And while 4 days straight of my intro to theology class (and the understanding I got from that!) was realistically the real reason behind my decision and not the pain I've felt from Mike, I know that forgiveness is a process, closure isn't going to come overnight.  But it's funny how God gives you just the right signs that what you're doing is right.

After my decision, the lack of sleep I got, and my last class of my intro to theology intensive, I decided to relax and watch some House :) I just started watching it and just had to start from the beginning so I have been Nexflix-ing the DVDs.  In the first episode I watched today this nun (which was Juliet from Lost yo!) had this disease they couldn't figure out and the Australian doctor was talking to her.  So he quotes 1 Peter 1:7  which I rewound about 6 times to fully hear because it fit so perfectly.  And of course Juliet with the bad wig and this Australian guy say it all so much more poetically than the actual Bible does! but I got some comfort nonetheless.  It says:
    In this you rejoice, even if now for a little while you  have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith- being more precious than gold, that though perishable, is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Although you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith

I read the whole book of Peter after that (don't get excited, it's like 4 pages long) and the whole darn thing applied.  I cried when I read this:
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Discipline yourselves, keep alert.  Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, steadfast in your faith, for you know that your brothers and sisters in all the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.  1 Peter 5:6-10

I had struggled with believing that I was being "tested", you know, like what did I do to deserve this "test" but it's true, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and these tests, while nothing compared to the suffering of others in the world, have given me a lot of strength.  I had thought, no this is just something that "happened" to me, it was just life but it wasn't, it was a test for me and I think I'm passing pretty darn well.  My "House" reminder helped me come to terms with the fact that I truly was being tested (because God knew I was strong enough to pass) and that these things happened for a reason- to make it easier to make those tough decisions and to become a person of integrity and strength.

So basically in the past month my focus hasn't been on maintaining some type of organization, or figuring out where I need to be in a year or so, the focus has been on getting by.  I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks but hopefully what I've been through is going to make this journey a little bit easier.  Maybe now I can get back on track to where I'm really supposed to be instead of doing things that really didn't make me happy. 
Really since the fall my life has basically been all about the job and the boyfriend.  And honestly, just to put this out there, I never really came to terms with the fact that I didn't have the old boyfriend and I didn't have the job I wanted.  I started out believing I was over things, or basically giving off the impression that I was ok with things when I wasn't.  I was getting by.  But it sure did look like I had things going for me; I had a money making job that could help me pay for school, I started seeing a good guy, and I honestly remember the feeling of being content with my life for the time being.  Now for me, all these "good things" basically went against what I really wanted but having them must have meant something.  After a while I started hating my job and everyone knew it.  The politics and drama that came along with my part time job (with full time hours) was basically all I talked  about because my job and school were all I knew.  And this guy.  Well after an initial relationship that lasted all of one week during the summer, then failed attempt after failed attempt at making it work, normal people probably would have left.  We were stubborn.  I remember we told each other we loved each other at a time when we weren't together and if I recall, were fighting.  I think we got together and broke up 4 times during the past 8 months, mainly because we thought we could make it work.  I overlooked the fact that every time he went for a new girl and he overlooked my "stuckness."  But we weren't happy with each other.  Most people know that for a good couple of years now I've seen myself better in the single category.  If I saw myself married with kids it would be years down the road.  So taking a leap of faith and being with him seemed to go against what I wanted for myself.  All the while, I was either telling myself things would change, hoping he would understand my need to live my life (when he never did), or changing myself slowly.  Trying to make myself believe that I wanted that life, that in a few years I could be popping out kids when that was never what I wanted.  I want to clarify that this view was never forced on me; he never pushed me to think that I needed that life, I just started to believe it on my own to try to keep everything going.  I needed him basically.  I isolated myself and my world started to revolve around school, work and him.  The problem was, I wasn't too happy with any of those things.  We fought about everything because we are two stubborn people who want our ways and sometimes don't look at the other person's perspective.  We fought because we were two different people, who were raised differently, with different ideals and views on how the world should be. However, I wanted to hang in there because I wanted "to make it work"
Meanwhile, my job just got worse and worse, communication went down the drain and the environment just got toxic for me.  I would tell stories to people about what I did in a day and what my boss did in a day and got some interesting reactions.  I was pushed around and did a lot of work that should have been done by her.  I gave 110% and got nothing.  It was draining.  Getting through school and focusing on classes became my only consolation.  I felt like if I just paid my dues, I'd get out and be rewarded later.  And really i just needed a reason to leave.  Well I got it.  My boss, giving me no notice mind you, "eliminated my position due to budget cuts" then gave my job to one of her friends.  She then told people that I would do such a bad job and was never around so she had to fire me.  I had stayed on in the classroom with the kids until I found this out then immediately put in my two weeks.  Since then I've found on call work at two jobs, a daycare and the children's program at a substance abuse facility that I've died to work at for a while now.  This has all happened within the past month forcing me to reevaluate money and the living situation I'd grown accustomed to.  The boyfriend was supportive at first but after a while realized the seeds I had been unconsciously planting all along; this relationship wasn't life giving.  For a while I had thought that we were getting to a more spiritual level where we were starting to understand and respect each other.  He told me he wanted to go to church with me.  But these were last ditch efforts to make something that couldn't work try to work.  I think we were putting everything in so that we could say we tried but I knew it wasn't working.  I don't know if he did or not.  I remember thinking, we have to do this right because I want him as a friend, we should have just been friends all along but now that I know the reality, I have to hold on to some semblance of a friendship. Friendship is no longer my goal.  Getting through a conversation with him without bringing up some type of pain is the goal now.  It's heartbreaking and it's not what I wanted.  It's never what I want out of a relationship.  But as I've learned recently, I am a fan of harmony.  It's not always going to be harmonious and really, if I've learned anything from past relationships, it hurts like hell for a really long time.
So within a month I lost my job and my boyfriend.  And for me 5 years ago, that probably would have killed me.  Being betrayed and left alone seems incredibly unfair.  But now I understand what a blessing all this really is.  I got out of things that weren't making me happy and I can get back to what is really, authentically me. I know I'm going to be fine; I've been taken care of before and I can already see things getting better for  me. Some days are harder than others though.  I can see those bad thoughts enter my head, I say to myself, well yes things will be better later but I can't stand the pain, the anger, the anxiety I have right now. It's not fair.  But I have to remember to focus on all the good this has done and the good it will produce.  So now maybe I can get motivated to find that authentic self that I've been looking for. 

So, classes start this week and I'm very excited.  I've got a pretty crazy schedule and we're going to see how well this works with my motivation.  Typically I get pretty burnt out by the middle of the semester and get behind on a lot of things.  That's something I definitely want to avoid this semester.  I have a night class for the first time in my college career, whoa. But I've already started reading one of the books for it, go me.  I also have a saturday class but it's all day, for 5 weeks at the beginning of the semester. It's also a substance abuse interventions class which will be pretty cool.  I'm hoping  my motivation will stay up for this one because it's something I'm interested in, plus it gives me no time to become a slacker :) I've also already started reading a book for one of my Aquinas classes; pretty interesting so far. 

Organization-wise, I'm doing well, I got some storage things to take care of clutter,  been keeping up with hanging clothes up instead of just throwing them in my big pile, and got out a lot of clothes from my closet.  I want to sell or donate as much as I can, but I just have to make some time to do that.  Next on my list is really cleaning out my car.  Un-organization-related: I really need to open up a savings account.  I'm thinking my Tuesdays before classes, when I don't have work, will be a good time to get these things done. 

I'm also doing a week of night time rituals that normal people do, that I haven't been, and need to.  Number one is flossing and brushing  teeth before bed. Gross right? I barely floss, so gotta work on that, and remembering to brush my teeth every night doesn't always happen so I'm making myself do it this week, no matter what's going on, so hopefully I can keep that up as a habit.  Also, I'm terrible with washing  my face before bed; I gotta get that eyeliner off yo! So this week I'm doing that before bed as well so I can get myself into a habit of it.  Not huge stuff but it's pretty important so hopefully all this sticks!

Ok well, now that classes are starting maybe I'll have much more interesting stuff to talk about.  My goal is to keep my motivation throughout the semester though.  I can't let myself get backed up with reading and papers so much that nothing gets done and then start slacking on schoolwork.  I have to maintain a good balance! Pray this works!