Love

I was driving in my squeeky car today (maybe I should get that checked out) and for some reason I felt my gratitude kick coming on so I went with it.  And I realized just how grateful I am for the love in my life.  Now I haven't always had the best luck with relationships; I've had all of 3 and that 3rd is still iffy as many know.  However, I'm running with it.  Because I'd hate to be one of those people that looks back and goes, man I got screwed over by one guy and just couldn't love again.  That just isn't going to be me.  I love very hard and I'm proud of that.  I don't see that as a weakness, I see it as something to be grateful for.  I've been given a lot of sensitivity and I think that's a good thing.  So I'm excited for the love I've been able to give and will continue to give and I'm grateful for the love I have been given, who cares if it hasn't always ended well.  In the moment I was so happy and that's all that matters. 

A few more resolutions

So I came up with a few more things I want to do:

• Spend some time each day catching up on current events.  I'm totally clueless on what's going on half the time and that has to stop.  I gotta know what's going on around me; it will definitely help me as a social worker.  I don't want to say I should do it everyday because I know I probably won't right off the bat but at least 3 times a week, especially while I'm in school. 
• Another author I want to read more of: Henri Nouwen.  We read a book about him in one of my Aquinas classes and was hooked.  I think he's my long lost soulmate.  Gotta read more of his stuff
• Exercise.  And make it realistic.  I'd start out with 3 times a week or so for right now, or really when I have time during the week, but definitely weekends.  I have to remember I'm not Dania, lol
• Part of my organization kick is going to include cleaning out my car and keeping my clothes hung up and sorted properly.  No more big pile of clothes yo.
• I need to take some time and consolidate all my cds and get them on my ipod.  Then possibly hook up my ipod in my car instead of having all those pesky cds. 
• One thing Gretchen Rubin started doing in her happiness project was doing a gratitude journal.  She kept it up each day then realized it was better to do it a couple days a week so I'd like to try that.  She also mentioned doing it as her computer started up or in downtime like that.  I definitely like that idea.  I'm gonna toss around when that might work best. 

Frankly, I already feel pretty good about all this.  Granted it's the beginning and that's how things happen in the beginning.  But I think this is going to produce some much needed change.  The thing is, winter is always tough for me; when April comes around I'm just generally happier so I think this will be good until I can get to the sunshine. 

And hey, I cleaned out my closet last night, that's a start huh?

Starting my own Happiness Project (of sorts)

My mom and I were browsing through one of our favorite stores (which we never buy anything from because it is too expensive) in the Galleria when I stumbled upon Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.  When I read the cover I was instantly hooked.  This woman did like a Eat, Pray, Love of sorts, but since she had a husband and kids, and a life right where she was, she wasn't about to up and move to Indonesia or wherever.  I thought, this is totally me. I've toiled over how I can't get up and leave because I have a job and school and all that, so maybe this can help me figure out how to be happy right where I am. 

Now I've always gone back and forth on this happiness thing, I feel I have crossed the border into some depression, especially in these winter months, but generally I feel like the problem is a lack of enthusiasm, motivation, not that I don't want to get up in the morning but some days are just harder than others.  Most people who know me know the things that are generally going on in my life and the stressors that come with it, balancing my job and school and the "drama" that goes along with it.  Troubles with love, figuring out what I want to do with my life and basically making the two mesh.  And really just getting up and doing things! When I look at it, there's not a lot of things that really give me joy in life because I'm just not choosing to do those things.  While I have some degree of happiness in my life, I could definitely do better, and there's no time like the present to start.

My main question and purpose for starting a blog and doing all this happiness mumbo jumbo isn't just to get myself happy but really to start figuring out my life.  Over the past year or so I've definitely thought about where I am in my life and where I haven't yet gone that I had always hoped to go.  Everyone knows I wanted to do some missionary work overseas and possibly do that work as my job if the opportunity came.  However, I'm approaching my 25th birthday and I've barely gone out of the Midwest.  For someone with dreams of going everywhere, I certainly haven't followed those dreams too well.  Staying stuck in the same place just isn't my way; I've always felt I've been called to go somewhere else and if it just so happens that I end up right back in St. Louis then that's just fine.  But at least I could say I went somewhere in between.  It just hasn't happened yet.  This feeling of restlessness that has come over me, especially very recently, really comes from whether or not I'm supposed to be here right now or if I need to up and go.  For those who don't know, I work more than part time hours at a child care center, a cause of great stress for me because of the atmosphere that has come about there.  I also go to school; I'm getting my masters in social work and pastoral studies, a dual degree with St. Louis University and Aquinas Institute of Theology.  Going back to school has brought some mixed emotions for me; I'm excited to be back in school and getting closer to my ultimate goal of being a social worker, yet I feel that I'm still stuck and being in school has made things harder for me to leave.  I've wondered if I should just leave everything, leave that stressful job and take some time away from school and just go do the things I've "always wanted to do" or stay where I am for a bit and just try to make my situation better. 

In a recent talk with my new spiritual director I realized that I was putting a lot of my blame about this question on God.  Why wasn't he making this decision for me? Why wasn't I getting a sign from him on where to go? Well we all know it doesn't exactly work out this way; he's not just going to put a brochure for an African school for girls in my lap and he's not going to take all my current opportunities away, but sometimes I wish he would.  It's incredibly hard sometimes to have to make that decision for yourself but that's something I'm going to try to do here.  I'm going to try to figure it out. 

And while I don't see myself answering that question today or getting much closure on where I should go right now, I did want to set forth a couple "resolutions" if you will, things that I truly want to make sure I do in this new year.  Resolutions aren't usually something I do but after reading this book I thought I would give it a go.  It's something I can strive for the whole year so when July 18th comes around, maybe I won't have a quarter life crisis, wondering why I haven't done the things I wanted to do. 
I'm not organizing these into importance just yet but rather, throwing them out there for the time being.  My ultimate goal is to try to keep them, so my #1 resolution is to keep my resolutions! I know how I get, I get really excited about something then fizzle out after some time.  My main goal is to keep things going.  So after reading the book, some things that I want to make sure I do are:

• Organize: I have got to clean out my closet and get rid of things I don't need.  Then organize the things I have better. In general, I have to get rid of the clutter.
• Read more books for pleasure: Dear lord, when school gets going, I know I don't read and that makes me sad.  I've got to read more, and I'm going to start reading things that Gretchen Rubin suggests, i.e. Story of a Soul by Therese of Lisieux, and really many of the happiness books she suggests, plus a lot of the books I already have that I just haven't read (Three Cups of Tea, more books by Matthew Kelly, read more of my favorite author Jodi Picoult etc)
• Quit worrying: This is kind of a big one. I realized I worry just too darn much, I worry about where I'm going, I worry about other people and their particular habits etc. I just plain worry too much.  Gotta stop that. 
• I have to get in touch with people I've lost contact with and make some new friends
• I must do some new activities; I want to rockclimb (not the real way but the fake, on a wall with steps way) hike like my brother does, take more pictures and scrapbook them, learn to play tennis, join some type of a group (campus ministry would be good of course, or even just a book group), finally get that tattoo I've wanted.
• I liked the idea of splurging for things that will make me truly happy.  Not that I buy crap but I certainly feel like I have a lot of STUFF I just don't use and lord knows I need more tops and sweaters and cute shoes instead of the junk I tend to accumulate.  I have to start buying things I like and not get all guilty over purchases. 
• Travel: I'm going somewhere this year, I don't care where, I don't care how I get there. I'm getting out of my bubble and really going somewhere. 

I'm pretty sure there's dozens more things that I want to do but frankly, that's the point, I want to address them here and track progress.  I think ultimately I want to see if these things truly work and if things get better in my own space.  And if not, I have no excuse to get off my bum and say, I have to leave, this just isn't working.  We shall see eh?