Well, I'm officially home and in the comfort of an air conditioned Panera Bread sipping a mango smoothie and praying I don't have to use the bathroom in the next hour so I can write this lol. I'm so used to talking about my bathroom habits with everyone, I think i'm going to have to remind myself not to let everyone know when i need to go all the time....I'm pretty sure my parents are already tired of it. But lets back up a little bit cuz there's been a lot of drama in the past week.
My fellow "real world" cast all know that our cook vinolia was caught red handed looking through ashley's wallet and was singing her way to the unemployment office (if Ghana had one of those...). In hindsight I can see how my emotions probably got the best of me that night. I was angry clearly, the reason is probably still unclear to me. I'm not naive, I loved Ghana as much as anyone and went through the mix of emotions when it came to the country, but I also knew the place was full of people that were trying to take us for our money. I remember writing in my journal about a day where I felt successful; I caught a tro tro, had a great day at Good Shepherd and played with babies at Royal Seed, bought an egg on the side of the road and maneuvered through the market well. At one point I felt unstoppable there, I felt like if I really wanted to make this my life, I could. Everyone joked that at our "one year reunion" I would be the one already there, with my little mixed babies, practically the next "pure water" lady. But that's when I thought Ayuba was a good guy...Not that I would have married the man or had babies with him but Lord knows I thought I had a friend in him. When everything went down with him and then Vinolia, trust became much harder. When I called my mom the night of the "theft" she even remarked that I sounded kind of mean and distrustful. I don't know, things are just different now. Not that I'm some mean person but I definitely feel a bit wiser. All of us are now though. We've seen how things go, how corrupt that country can be. But don't get me wrong. Ghana was amazing. It changed my life for the better. The people in general were the most friendly people ever. And unlike some of my housemates, I miss the random call of obruni on the streets. I miss being a celebrity just because I'm white. I miss buying food off the street or being able to go out only carrying money and having unshaven legs. Obviously, things here are just plain different. The culture shock has been pretty difficult so far just because I don't even really feel at home in my own home. I took a nap yesterday when I got home and when I woke up I was genuinely confused as to where I was and when I could go home. I was laying in my own bed. Depressing to say the least.
To be completely honest coming home is sort of bittersweet. By week 2 in Ghana I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't make the difference that I truly thought I would, changing anything in that culture takes more than just a white girl with some hope. But I also knew that there wasn't much for me in St. Louis. After losing a job and boyfriend back in February, this trip was basically my way back to sanity. To figure my life out again and to start really doing something instead of just letting my life pass me by. I wasn't going to spend my 25th birthday alone, in a job that I hated, doing what I had done every year before. I needed to figure things out. I believed before I left that once I came back things could hopefully fall back in to place. I could find a job that I love, finish school and live the life I should have been living all along. But see that was my problem. I used to get caught up in the should's. I saw people that had traveled all over the world and thought, that should be me, I shouldn't be in the place I am. Now I can honestly say that even though things weren't exactly how I planned in the past couple of years, those years taught me life lessons that led me up to this point in my life. I am who I am and it doesn't matter that I did this trip at 25 instead of 21 or 18 or even 16, like the people i've spent the past 2 months with. The fact that I've done it, that i've experienced this and have learned from it, is really what matters.
I honestly feel this is an experience that everyone should do. To just see how different the culture is just changes you. But I do almost feel like I shouldn't be where I am. Putting on makeup and straightening my hair today just felt wrong. To do these superficial things while, a world away, people are living the way Ghanians do, simply, without all the things I've learned to take for granted, well I just didn't feel right. I felt like those obrunis that I saw in the mall or at the beach in Ghana, like full of privilage. Granted I'm basically broke now because of this trip and really do have to start over but still. I have ten times more than those people. I looked at houses on the "bad side of town" yesterday and thought, wow these are like mansions compared to Kasoa. It's hard to explain but I started realizing how different I am around week 4, not too soon after my birthday, feeling on top of the world, like this was my new home. Suddenly I realized how much I stuck out like a sore thumb. And I know how education can be, how health care can be, so it's incredibly hard to live in a society where it's so unorganized and basic. Knowing what I know, I couldn't possibly live there because I'd constantly be saying, well in America it's like this, and wanting to fix it and change it. And while it might "work" for them, I'll always know it could be "better." You can't go back when you've seen how it can be. As Ayuba would say about everything in Ghana, "it's not easy."
So in the end, I had a very dramatic last 24 hours in Ghana. Saturday morning I cried like a baby when Ashley left because things were ending, and I was next. Richard went with Billy to Cape Coast for the day so I was left to fend for myself the whole day. I was bored out of my mind and worried when my cab wasn't there at 5:30. Richard and Billy pull up in a cab around 6:15 and I was livid. So then Billy gives this cab driver like a decent amount of money, like possibly 20-30 cedi? before we left. Shady right? Hold that thought...So I'm driving away finally and guess what I did? I cried!!! Surprise Surprise. I mean come on, I watched 14 people leave that house. it was my turn yo. But see as we are pulling out of the house, I see the cab driver give Richard some of the money that Billy gave him. Hmmm still shady eh? But then on the way to the airport, the taxi overheats and we're stuck in crazy traffic. Richard manages to hail another cab after his many many teeth kissing sounds of displeasure and gives the money that the cab driver had gotten from Billy to pay for my new car, saying that he would get paid later in the week. Then he tells me how he'll have to pay for the taxi repairs (idk why) and that he didn't have money to get home. I was all set to give him my couple of cedi that I was saving for souvineers to take for a tro tro ride home. But then at the airport he randomly has me get out 30 cedi before he tells me where the heck I'm going and asks for that money before he leaves. I'm like uh what just happened here? So basically I just either paid for Richard's cab ride home or that taxi that overheated, neither of which were my responsibility especially when I'm supposed to get a free cab ride to the airport. Lets just say, Franklin's going to need to up his refund to me. So if no one thought Richard was shady before and trust me, I already knew the man wasn't on the up and up, this just proves things. I just barely got to the airport in time but made it, only to watch a fight between 2 women, supposedly over one of them cutting in line. oh Ghana. My flight in Washington was delayed too but I met some lovely people there so it wasn't too bad. I seriously debated getting a Five Guys Burger at 7 am but decided against it since my stomach was not right to begin with. I did eat a lot of cheese when I got home though.
the adjustment hasn't been easy. Like I said, I don't exactly feel at home in my own home and driving is making me kind of nervous. I did get my eyebrows waxed though, that feels much better. I wish I could explain how it feels to be back but it's just hard. Everyone I spent this trip with knows how I feel I'm sure, but it's so hard to explain to anyone else how it is to see white people everywhere, or be able to have food at anytime. To have fast internet, coffee, TV. Basics we take for granted just don't feel right. I know I was ready to come home but I'm still a little unsure about where home is now. It's not easy...
