Getting out of bed

While it was still incredibly difficult to get up out of my bed this morning, today was a tiny bit easier than other days.  I know that my journey isn't over. Or the struggle really.  I'm dealing with some serious depression here. Depression I know I'm going to need more help with now and in the future. I'm going to do what it takes to get that taken care of. But today I think the process will get a bit easier. Or at least I hope it does. I'm doing my best to let go of a situation that I've put a ton of weight on. I've put my whole self into. Sometimes unnecessarily. I've let myself try to take care of people that have to take care of themselves. I'm doing my best now, just to take care of me. Difficult for the control freak that I am. Difficult because typically when I love someone it's not just willy nilly, I love hard, I put my whole self into something. When it came to Jennifer, I'm pretty sure she knew that I would move mountains for her. If I could have taken out my own lungs and given them to her just for a day, I would have. I would have given anything for her. It's the same for her family. So letting go of a piece of that is extremely hard. I didn't want to lose all I lost in the past year but I did. But one part of what I lost wasn't exactly lost, I let it go. And I have to fully let it go now. I'm in the middle of doing something I dreaded doing 9 months ago. I'm letting go of someone I love more than I know, without Jennifer next to me, supporting me. I remember like it was yesterday, not wanting to dive head first into something without her because if it all goes south she won't be there to help pick up the pieces. I'm living in that now. And granted, I wouldn't give up the 6 months I had with him, just because I was scared, I wouldn't turn back time and say no, definitely not, she's not here so I can't love you. I'm going to love him no matter what. And the fact that I got to have joy for those 6 months alone is worth it. Sure it hurts now but there's no way I'd give it up. I just pray that I can keep getting through it. And keep taking care of myself in the process.