I woke up this morning incredibly mad. I had made a very adult decision the night before, one that I probably wouldn't have made in previous years in similar situations. At the time I had figured that I made that decision because I wasn't "moved on" or because I was still angry at Mike. And while that grieving continues, it wasn't the reason behind my big adult decision. But it certainly did influence my bad mood.
I woke up after this decision convinced that I was getting royally screwed over and that, as the "good guy", I was losing, while "the bad guy" was winning. That would piss off anyone. But I really can't see things that way. I have had to make the decision to take things slowly with someone who has come in to my life, which wasn't exactly "fun." It's been smart and the right thing to do, which usually doesn't always feel as good as jumping in head first (basically what Mike did a day after we had broken up). And while I'm not bitter about some girl he's seeing, I've been incredibly upset that I was treated that way and that the "bad guy" is supposedly winning. I spent a lot of time justifying things, believing that at some point I'll get my "justice" but I think that's more poison than anything. It is quite possible that he will continue to believe what he did was ok and move on and be happy. It's happened before and it can happen again. In time I'll be ok. But that's exactly what I wasn't giving myself. Time.
I think my decision has been the right one overall though, it's best not to jump into anything too quickly, especially when I know I'm still angry. But that anger isn't going to get me anywhere. What I have to do now is try to forgive. It's hard to do honestly. When someone tells you terrible things and puts you down to your lowest, you're not too inclined to offer that forgiveness. I have to. Otherwise I'm stuck. And while 4 days straight of my intro to theology class (and the understanding I got from that!) was realistically the real reason behind my decision and not the pain I've felt from Mike, I know that forgiveness is a process, closure isn't going to come overnight. But it's funny how God gives you just the right signs that what you're doing is right.
After my decision, the lack of sleep I got, and my last class of my intro to theology intensive, I decided to relax and watch some House :) I just started watching it and just had to start from the beginning so I have been Nexflix-ing the DVDs. In the first episode I watched today this nun (which was Juliet from Lost yo!) had this disease they couldn't figure out and the Australian doctor was talking to her. So he quotes 1 Peter 1:7 which I rewound about 6 times to fully hear because it fit so perfectly. And of course Juliet with the bad wig and this Australian guy say it all so much more poetically than the actual Bible does! but I got some comfort nonetheless. It says:
In this you rejoice, even if now for a little while you have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith- being more precious than gold, that though perishable, is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Although you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith
I read the whole book of Peter after that (don't get excited, it's like 4 pages long) and the whole darn thing applied. I cried when I read this:
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert. Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in your faith, for you know that your brothers and sisters in all the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:6-10
I had struggled with believing that I was being "tested", you know, like what did I do to deserve this "test" but it's true, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and these tests, while nothing compared to the suffering of others in the world, have given me a lot of strength. I had thought, no this is just something that "happened" to me, it was just life but it wasn't, it was a test for me and I think I'm passing pretty darn well. My "House" reminder helped me come to terms with the fact that I truly was being tested (because God knew I was strong enough to pass) and that these things happened for a reason- to make it easier to make those tough decisions and to become a person of integrity and strength.
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