So basically in the past month my focus hasn't been on maintaining some type of organization, or figuring out where I need to be in a year or so, the focus has been on getting by.  I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks but hopefully what I've been through is going to make this journey a little bit easier.  Maybe now I can get back on track to where I'm really supposed to be instead of doing things that really didn't make me happy. 
Really since the fall my life has basically been all about the job and the boyfriend.  And honestly, just to put this out there, I never really came to terms with the fact that I didn't have the old boyfriend and I didn't have the job I wanted.  I started out believing I was over things, or basically giving off the impression that I was ok with things when I wasn't.  I was getting by.  But it sure did look like I had things going for me; I had a money making job that could help me pay for school, I started seeing a good guy, and I honestly remember the feeling of being content with my life for the time being.  Now for me, all these "good things" basically went against what I really wanted but having them must have meant something.  After a while I started hating my job and everyone knew it.  The politics and drama that came along with my part time job (with full time hours) was basically all I talked  about because my job and school were all I knew.  And this guy.  Well after an initial relationship that lasted all of one week during the summer, then failed attempt after failed attempt at making it work, normal people probably would have left.  We were stubborn.  I remember we told each other we loved each other at a time when we weren't together and if I recall, were fighting.  I think we got together and broke up 4 times during the past 8 months, mainly because we thought we could make it work.  I overlooked the fact that every time he went for a new girl and he overlooked my "stuckness."  But we weren't happy with each other.  Most people know that for a good couple of years now I've seen myself better in the single category.  If I saw myself married with kids it would be years down the road.  So taking a leap of faith and being with him seemed to go against what I wanted for myself.  All the while, I was either telling myself things would change, hoping he would understand my need to live my life (when he never did), or changing myself slowly.  Trying to make myself believe that I wanted that life, that in a few years I could be popping out kids when that was never what I wanted.  I want to clarify that this view was never forced on me; he never pushed me to think that I needed that life, I just started to believe it on my own to try to keep everything going.  I needed him basically.  I isolated myself and my world started to revolve around school, work and him.  The problem was, I wasn't too happy with any of those things.  We fought about everything because we are two stubborn people who want our ways and sometimes don't look at the other person's perspective.  We fought because we were two different people, who were raised differently, with different ideals and views on how the world should be. However, I wanted to hang in there because I wanted "to make it work"
Meanwhile, my job just got worse and worse, communication went down the drain and the environment just got toxic for me.  I would tell stories to people about what I did in a day and what my boss did in a day and got some interesting reactions.  I was pushed around and did a lot of work that should have been done by her.  I gave 110% and got nothing.  It was draining.  Getting through school and focusing on classes became my only consolation.  I felt like if I just paid my dues, I'd get out and be rewarded later.  And really i just needed a reason to leave.  Well I got it.  My boss, giving me no notice mind you, "eliminated my position due to budget cuts" then gave my job to one of her friends.  She then told people that I would do such a bad job and was never around so she had to fire me.  I had stayed on in the classroom with the kids until I found this out then immediately put in my two weeks.  Since then I've found on call work at two jobs, a daycare and the children's program at a substance abuse facility that I've died to work at for a while now.  This has all happened within the past month forcing me to reevaluate money and the living situation I'd grown accustomed to.  The boyfriend was supportive at first but after a while realized the seeds I had been unconsciously planting all along; this relationship wasn't life giving.  For a while I had thought that we were getting to a more spiritual level where we were starting to understand and respect each other.  He told me he wanted to go to church with me.  But these were last ditch efforts to make something that couldn't work try to work.  I think we were putting everything in so that we could say we tried but I knew it wasn't working.  I don't know if he did or not.  I remember thinking, we have to do this right because I want him as a friend, we should have just been friends all along but now that I know the reality, I have to hold on to some semblance of a friendship. Friendship is no longer my goal.  Getting through a conversation with him without bringing up some type of pain is the goal now.  It's heartbreaking and it's not what I wanted.  It's never what I want out of a relationship.  But as I've learned recently, I am a fan of harmony.  It's not always going to be harmonious and really, if I've learned anything from past relationships, it hurts like hell for a really long time.
So within a month I lost my job and my boyfriend.  And for me 5 years ago, that probably would have killed me.  Being betrayed and left alone seems incredibly unfair.  But now I understand what a blessing all this really is.  I got out of things that weren't making me happy and I can get back to what is really, authentically me. I know I'm going to be fine; I've been taken care of before and I can already see things getting better for  me. Some days are harder than others though.  I can see those bad thoughts enter my head, I say to myself, well yes things will be better later but I can't stand the pain, the anger, the anxiety I have right now. It's not fair.  But I have to remember to focus on all the good this has done and the good it will produce.  So now maybe I can get motivated to find that authentic self that I've been looking for.