Friday, January 4, 2013
Getting out of bed
While it was still incredibly difficult to get up out of my bed this morning, today was a tiny bit easier than other days. I know that my journey isn't over. Or the struggle really. I'm dealing with some serious depression here. Depression I know I'm going to need more help with now and in the future. I'm going to do what it takes to get that taken care of. But today I think the process will get a bit easier. Or at least I hope it does. I'm doing my best to let go of a situation that I've put a ton of weight on. I've put my whole self into. Sometimes unnecessarily. I've let myself try to take care of people that have to take care of themselves. I'm doing my best now, just to take care of me. Difficult for the control freak that I am. Difficult because typically when I love someone it's not just willy nilly, I love hard, I put my whole self into something. When it came to Jennifer, I'm pretty sure she knew that I would move mountains for her. If I could have taken out my own lungs and given them to her just for a day, I would have. I would have given anything for her. It's the same for her family. So letting go of a piece of that is extremely hard. I didn't want to lose all I lost in the past year but I did. But one part of what I lost wasn't exactly lost, I let it go. And I have to fully let it go now. I'm in the middle of doing something I dreaded doing 9 months ago. I'm letting go of someone I love more than I know, without Jennifer next to me, supporting me. I remember like it was yesterday, not wanting to dive head first into something without her because if it all goes south she won't be there to help pick up the pieces. I'm living in that now. And granted, I wouldn't give up the 6 months I had with him, just because I was scared, I wouldn't turn back time and say no, definitely not, she's not here so I can't love you. I'm going to love him no matter what. And the fact that I got to have joy for those 6 months alone is worth it. Sure it hurts now but there's no way I'd give it up. I just pray that I can keep getting through it. And keep taking care of myself in the process.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Writing
When I was younger I wrote about everything. And I do mean everything. I would journal about my multiplication tests, the crushes at school, how much I hated my brother, etc. It was my outlet, and however dramatic and little kid-ish it sounded, it helped. I haven't written my feelings down in years. I haven't kept a journal, haven't done anything close in forever. Maybe that's why it all hurts so bad. Because I've kept it all in.
This year has not been easy, to say the least. I had everything I could have wanted a year ago; still fresh off my trip to Ghana and thankful for every amazing piece of my life, I was riding high. Maybe I took it all for granted. Maybe I didn't know all that I had. Or maybe it was just time for the pain to come back.
I made the biggest mistake of my life in February, a mistake that eventually cost me everything I knew and had gotten used to by the time September hit. I questioned myself, my ability to do the work I loved so much and felt called to. I questioned my morals. I will never, ever regret what I did because I've learned so incredibly much from it. It's still raw and still unsettled. Hearts still hurt over my actions. So details are not important now. All I know is that I learned from it. And I know that despite an awful decision, I am still a good person.
In May I lost my best friend, my "sister", the closest person in the world to me, the person I trusted the most. Jennifer's death hit me like a ton of bricks and I still feel lost with few to turn to, several months later. I remember the day she died and how I could barely drive home from work, barely see through all the tears. I cry a lot as it is but when this happened, I'm pretty sure I thought I had no more liquid left in me. Over and over again I said (and still say now, when I'm upset) "you should be here," it just has never felt fair to me that she had to go and so many people counted on her. I counted on her. I almost felt like I shouldn't make big decisions without her because she always could give me advice or tell me what to do (without actually telling me what to do). And so days later, after her funeral, as her brother (who I never fell out of love with after the first time we were together) told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me, I hesitated. I wanted to know what she thought. I didn't want him to break my heart again without having her around to pick up the pieces. Which she did so graciously before. But I went from slowly letting him back in to recognizing that I wanted us to work out more than anything. My life was good otherwise and it seemed like I had little to lose. Little did I know...
David moved in with me after very little time together, this time around, a decision we came upon with a lot of support from the people around us. I felt loved and supported and was, in a way, reunited with a family I had always felt incredibly close to. Life was good and I felt like Jennifer was watching and was happy. As time went on though, I felt less and less happy, like my independence was slowly fading away from me. I clung to the life I thought I was "supposed" to have; much more time in Africa, a Jo March type life where I cared for everyone selflessly but still was wild and carefree. I never wanted babies of my own, never wanted a traditional life. I wanted to run. So I did.
By the middle of October I had no job, no "love of my life" and was clinging to everything to keep an image of perfection together. Inside I felt worthless. I had caused pain everywhere I went and was letting everyone down. I scrambled to get my life back together. But that life was gone. That life is gone. I deal everyday with the pain that I've caused so many. Some days the only comfort I find is talking to Jennifer. Not God because I still don't feel worthy enough to talk to him like I did. But Jennifer. Some days I'm mad at her because I want her to be here and tell me what she would want. I want her to tell me to let him go again, like she did before, but in my heart of hearts, I want her to tell me that he's my "soulmate," that he's the only person I should be with. Because that still feels like the case.
That old "life" is gone now, I can't have the happiness and security I had back. I lost my best friend, a job, a boyfriend and the family that went along with it. I lost money, time, health, peace. I have been working like a crazy person to get back on track financially and get back to where I thought I should be. Where I should be is in a place where I'm not so damn worried about everything. Frankly, I worked too hard and put in too much effort in too many places I didn't need to stick my nose in. I pushed too hard. What I need is to be happy with what I have. And that's an amazing life. I have a job that is basically exactly what I wanted (however difficult it may be). I still have a roof over my head (something I could have easily lost). I have family, friends, supports that love me and care about me. I just have to tell them how I feel. I basically isolated from everyone. Held in the pain. Acted like I was ok. That several huge losses and the feelings that went with it didn't apply to me. That I was superwoman and would carry on. I will carry on. I will move forward. But it's time to give myself that time to grieve. To process the hurt I caused and the pain I feel. It's time to let myself cry and not feel bad about it. But it's also time to find some peace and move ahead.
This year has not been easy, to say the least. I had everything I could have wanted a year ago; still fresh off my trip to Ghana and thankful for every amazing piece of my life, I was riding high. Maybe I took it all for granted. Maybe I didn't know all that I had. Or maybe it was just time for the pain to come back.
I made the biggest mistake of my life in February, a mistake that eventually cost me everything I knew and had gotten used to by the time September hit. I questioned myself, my ability to do the work I loved so much and felt called to. I questioned my morals. I will never, ever regret what I did because I've learned so incredibly much from it. It's still raw and still unsettled. Hearts still hurt over my actions. So details are not important now. All I know is that I learned from it. And I know that despite an awful decision, I am still a good person.
In May I lost my best friend, my "sister", the closest person in the world to me, the person I trusted the most. Jennifer's death hit me like a ton of bricks and I still feel lost with few to turn to, several months later. I remember the day she died and how I could barely drive home from work, barely see through all the tears. I cry a lot as it is but when this happened, I'm pretty sure I thought I had no more liquid left in me. Over and over again I said (and still say now, when I'm upset) "you should be here," it just has never felt fair to me that she had to go and so many people counted on her. I counted on her. I almost felt like I shouldn't make big decisions without her because she always could give me advice or tell me what to do (without actually telling me what to do). And so days later, after her funeral, as her brother (who I never fell out of love with after the first time we were together) told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me, I hesitated. I wanted to know what she thought. I didn't want him to break my heart again without having her around to pick up the pieces. Which she did so graciously before. But I went from slowly letting him back in to recognizing that I wanted us to work out more than anything. My life was good otherwise and it seemed like I had little to lose. Little did I know...
David moved in with me after very little time together, this time around, a decision we came upon with a lot of support from the people around us. I felt loved and supported and was, in a way, reunited with a family I had always felt incredibly close to. Life was good and I felt like Jennifer was watching and was happy. As time went on though, I felt less and less happy, like my independence was slowly fading away from me. I clung to the life I thought I was "supposed" to have; much more time in Africa, a Jo March type life where I cared for everyone selflessly but still was wild and carefree. I never wanted babies of my own, never wanted a traditional life. I wanted to run. So I did.
By the middle of October I had no job, no "love of my life" and was clinging to everything to keep an image of perfection together. Inside I felt worthless. I had caused pain everywhere I went and was letting everyone down. I scrambled to get my life back together. But that life was gone. That life is gone. I deal everyday with the pain that I've caused so many. Some days the only comfort I find is talking to Jennifer. Not God because I still don't feel worthy enough to talk to him like I did. But Jennifer. Some days I'm mad at her because I want her to be here and tell me what she would want. I want her to tell me to let him go again, like she did before, but in my heart of hearts, I want her to tell me that he's my "soulmate," that he's the only person I should be with. Because that still feels like the case.
That old "life" is gone now, I can't have the happiness and security I had back. I lost my best friend, a job, a boyfriend and the family that went along with it. I lost money, time, health, peace. I have been working like a crazy person to get back on track financially and get back to where I thought I should be. Where I should be is in a place where I'm not so damn worried about everything. Frankly, I worked too hard and put in too much effort in too many places I didn't need to stick my nose in. I pushed too hard. What I need is to be happy with what I have. And that's an amazing life. I have a job that is basically exactly what I wanted (however difficult it may be). I still have a roof over my head (something I could have easily lost). I have family, friends, supports that love me and care about me. I just have to tell them how I feel. I basically isolated from everyone. Held in the pain. Acted like I was ok. That several huge losses and the feelings that went with it didn't apply to me. That I was superwoman and would carry on. I will carry on. I will move forward. But it's time to give myself that time to grieve. To process the hurt I caused and the pain I feel. It's time to let myself cry and not feel bad about it. But it's also time to find some peace and move ahead.
Monday, August 8, 2011
It's Not Easy
Well, I'm officially home and in the comfort of an air conditioned Panera Bread sipping a mango smoothie and praying I don't have to use the bathroom in the next hour so I can write this lol. I'm so used to talking about my bathroom habits with everyone, I think i'm going to have to remind myself not to let everyone know when i need to go all the time....I'm pretty sure my parents are already tired of it. But lets back up a little bit cuz there's been a lot of drama in the past week.
My fellow "real world" cast all know that our cook vinolia was caught red handed looking through ashley's wallet and was singing her way to the unemployment office (if Ghana had one of those...). In hindsight I can see how my emotions probably got the best of me that night. I was angry clearly, the reason is probably still unclear to me. I'm not naive, I loved Ghana as much as anyone and went through the mix of emotions when it came to the country, but I also knew the place was full of people that were trying to take us for our money. I remember writing in my journal about a day where I felt successful; I caught a tro tro, had a great day at Good Shepherd and played with babies at Royal Seed, bought an egg on the side of the road and maneuvered through the market well. At one point I felt unstoppable there, I felt like if I really wanted to make this my life, I could. Everyone joked that at our "one year reunion" I would be the one already there, with my little mixed babies, practically the next "pure water" lady. But that's when I thought Ayuba was a good guy...Not that I would have married the man or had babies with him but Lord knows I thought I had a friend in him. When everything went down with him and then Vinolia, trust became much harder. When I called my mom the night of the "theft" she even remarked that I sounded kind of mean and distrustful. I don't know, things are just different now. Not that I'm some mean person but I definitely feel a bit wiser. All of us are now though. We've seen how things go, how corrupt that country can be. But don't get me wrong. Ghana was amazing. It changed my life for the better. The people in general were the most friendly people ever. And unlike some of my housemates, I miss the random call of obruni on the streets. I miss being a celebrity just because I'm white. I miss buying food off the street or being able to go out only carrying money and having unshaven legs. Obviously, things here are just plain different. The culture shock has been pretty difficult so far just because I don't even really feel at home in my own home. I took a nap yesterday when I got home and when I woke up I was genuinely confused as to where I was and when I could go home. I was laying in my own bed. Depressing to say the least.
To be completely honest coming home is sort of bittersweet. By week 2 in Ghana I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't make the difference that I truly thought I would, changing anything in that culture takes more than just a white girl with some hope. But I also knew that there wasn't much for me in St. Louis. After losing a job and boyfriend back in February, this trip was basically my way back to sanity. To figure my life out again and to start really doing something instead of just letting my life pass me by. I wasn't going to spend my 25th birthday alone, in a job that I hated, doing what I had done every year before. I needed to figure things out. I believed before I left that once I came back things could hopefully fall back in to place. I could find a job that I love, finish school and live the life I should have been living all along. But see that was my problem. I used to get caught up in the should's. I saw people that had traveled all over the world and thought, that should be me, I shouldn't be in the place I am. Now I can honestly say that even though things weren't exactly how I planned in the past couple of years, those years taught me life lessons that led me up to this point in my life. I am who I am and it doesn't matter that I did this trip at 25 instead of 21 or 18 or even 16, like the people i've spent the past 2 months with. The fact that I've done it, that i've experienced this and have learned from it, is really what matters.
I honestly feel this is an experience that everyone should do. To just see how different the culture is just changes you. But I do almost feel like I shouldn't be where I am. Putting on makeup and straightening my hair today just felt wrong. To do these superficial things while, a world away, people are living the way Ghanians do, simply, without all the things I've learned to take for granted, well I just didn't feel right. I felt like those obrunis that I saw in the mall or at the beach in Ghana, like full of privilage. Granted I'm basically broke now because of this trip and really do have to start over but still. I have ten times more than those people. I looked at houses on the "bad side of town" yesterday and thought, wow these are like mansions compared to Kasoa. It's hard to explain but I started realizing how different I am around week 4, not too soon after my birthday, feeling on top of the world, like this was my new home. Suddenly I realized how much I stuck out like a sore thumb. And I know how education can be, how health care can be, so it's incredibly hard to live in a society where it's so unorganized and basic. Knowing what I know, I couldn't possibly live there because I'd constantly be saying, well in America it's like this, and wanting to fix it and change it. And while it might "work" for them, I'll always know it could be "better." You can't go back when you've seen how it can be. As Ayuba would say about everything in Ghana, "it's not easy."
So in the end, I had a very dramatic last 24 hours in Ghana. Saturday morning I cried like a baby when Ashley left because things were ending, and I was next. Richard went with Billy to Cape Coast for the day so I was left to fend for myself the whole day. I was bored out of my mind and worried when my cab wasn't there at 5:30. Richard and Billy pull up in a cab around 6:15 and I was livid. So then Billy gives this cab driver like a decent amount of money, like possibly 20-30 cedi? before we left. Shady right? Hold that thought...So I'm driving away finally and guess what I did? I cried!!! Surprise Surprise. I mean come on, I watched 14 people leave that house. it was my turn yo. But see as we are pulling out of the house, I see the cab driver give Richard some of the money that Billy gave him. Hmmm still shady eh? But then on the way to the airport, the taxi overheats and we're stuck in crazy traffic. Richard manages to hail another cab after his many many teeth kissing sounds of displeasure and gives the money that the cab driver had gotten from Billy to pay for my new car, saying that he would get paid later in the week. Then he tells me how he'll have to pay for the taxi repairs (idk why) and that he didn't have money to get home. I was all set to give him my couple of cedi that I was saving for souvineers to take for a tro tro ride home. But then at the airport he randomly has me get out 30 cedi before he tells me where the heck I'm going and asks for that money before he leaves. I'm like uh what just happened here? So basically I just either paid for Richard's cab ride home or that taxi that overheated, neither of which were my responsibility especially when I'm supposed to get a free cab ride to the airport. Lets just say, Franklin's going to need to up his refund to me. So if no one thought Richard was shady before and trust me, I already knew the man wasn't on the up and up, this just proves things. I just barely got to the airport in time but made it, only to watch a fight between 2 women, supposedly over one of them cutting in line. oh Ghana. My flight in Washington was delayed too but I met some lovely people there so it wasn't too bad. I seriously debated getting a Five Guys Burger at 7 am but decided against it since my stomach was not right to begin with. I did eat a lot of cheese when I got home though.
the adjustment hasn't been easy. Like I said, I don't exactly feel at home in my own home and driving is making me kind of nervous. I did get my eyebrows waxed though, that feels much better. I wish I could explain how it feels to be back but it's just hard. Everyone I spent this trip with knows how I feel I'm sure, but it's so hard to explain to anyone else how it is to see white people everywhere, or be able to have food at anytime. To have fast internet, coffee, TV. Basics we take for granted just don't feel right. I know I was ready to come home but I'm still a little unsure about where home is now. It's not easy...
My fellow "real world" cast all know that our cook vinolia was caught red handed looking through ashley's wallet and was singing her way to the unemployment office (if Ghana had one of those...). In hindsight I can see how my emotions probably got the best of me that night. I was angry clearly, the reason is probably still unclear to me. I'm not naive, I loved Ghana as much as anyone and went through the mix of emotions when it came to the country, but I also knew the place was full of people that were trying to take us for our money. I remember writing in my journal about a day where I felt successful; I caught a tro tro, had a great day at Good Shepherd and played with babies at Royal Seed, bought an egg on the side of the road and maneuvered through the market well. At one point I felt unstoppable there, I felt like if I really wanted to make this my life, I could. Everyone joked that at our "one year reunion" I would be the one already there, with my little mixed babies, practically the next "pure water" lady. But that's when I thought Ayuba was a good guy...Not that I would have married the man or had babies with him but Lord knows I thought I had a friend in him. When everything went down with him and then Vinolia, trust became much harder. When I called my mom the night of the "theft" she even remarked that I sounded kind of mean and distrustful. I don't know, things are just different now. Not that I'm some mean person but I definitely feel a bit wiser. All of us are now though. We've seen how things go, how corrupt that country can be. But don't get me wrong. Ghana was amazing. It changed my life for the better. The people in general were the most friendly people ever. And unlike some of my housemates, I miss the random call of obruni on the streets. I miss being a celebrity just because I'm white. I miss buying food off the street or being able to go out only carrying money and having unshaven legs. Obviously, things here are just plain different. The culture shock has been pretty difficult so far just because I don't even really feel at home in my own home. I took a nap yesterday when I got home and when I woke up I was genuinely confused as to where I was and when I could go home. I was laying in my own bed. Depressing to say the least.
To be completely honest coming home is sort of bittersweet. By week 2 in Ghana I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't make the difference that I truly thought I would, changing anything in that culture takes more than just a white girl with some hope. But I also knew that there wasn't much for me in St. Louis. After losing a job and boyfriend back in February, this trip was basically my way back to sanity. To figure my life out again and to start really doing something instead of just letting my life pass me by. I wasn't going to spend my 25th birthday alone, in a job that I hated, doing what I had done every year before. I needed to figure things out. I believed before I left that once I came back things could hopefully fall back in to place. I could find a job that I love, finish school and live the life I should have been living all along. But see that was my problem. I used to get caught up in the should's. I saw people that had traveled all over the world and thought, that should be me, I shouldn't be in the place I am. Now I can honestly say that even though things weren't exactly how I planned in the past couple of years, those years taught me life lessons that led me up to this point in my life. I am who I am and it doesn't matter that I did this trip at 25 instead of 21 or 18 or even 16, like the people i've spent the past 2 months with. The fact that I've done it, that i've experienced this and have learned from it, is really what matters.
I honestly feel this is an experience that everyone should do. To just see how different the culture is just changes you. But I do almost feel like I shouldn't be where I am. Putting on makeup and straightening my hair today just felt wrong. To do these superficial things while, a world away, people are living the way Ghanians do, simply, without all the things I've learned to take for granted, well I just didn't feel right. I felt like those obrunis that I saw in the mall or at the beach in Ghana, like full of privilage. Granted I'm basically broke now because of this trip and really do have to start over but still. I have ten times more than those people. I looked at houses on the "bad side of town" yesterday and thought, wow these are like mansions compared to Kasoa. It's hard to explain but I started realizing how different I am around week 4, not too soon after my birthday, feeling on top of the world, like this was my new home. Suddenly I realized how much I stuck out like a sore thumb. And I know how education can be, how health care can be, so it's incredibly hard to live in a society where it's so unorganized and basic. Knowing what I know, I couldn't possibly live there because I'd constantly be saying, well in America it's like this, and wanting to fix it and change it. And while it might "work" for them, I'll always know it could be "better." You can't go back when you've seen how it can be. As Ayuba would say about everything in Ghana, "it's not easy."
So in the end, I had a very dramatic last 24 hours in Ghana. Saturday morning I cried like a baby when Ashley left because things were ending, and I was next. Richard went with Billy to Cape Coast for the day so I was left to fend for myself the whole day. I was bored out of my mind and worried when my cab wasn't there at 5:30. Richard and Billy pull up in a cab around 6:15 and I was livid. So then Billy gives this cab driver like a decent amount of money, like possibly 20-30 cedi? before we left. Shady right? Hold that thought...So I'm driving away finally and guess what I did? I cried!!! Surprise Surprise. I mean come on, I watched 14 people leave that house. it was my turn yo. But see as we are pulling out of the house, I see the cab driver give Richard some of the money that Billy gave him. Hmmm still shady eh? But then on the way to the airport, the taxi overheats and we're stuck in crazy traffic. Richard manages to hail another cab after his many many teeth kissing sounds of displeasure and gives the money that the cab driver had gotten from Billy to pay for my new car, saying that he would get paid later in the week. Then he tells me how he'll have to pay for the taxi repairs (idk why) and that he didn't have money to get home. I was all set to give him my couple of cedi that I was saving for souvineers to take for a tro tro ride home. But then at the airport he randomly has me get out 30 cedi before he tells me where the heck I'm going and asks for that money before he leaves. I'm like uh what just happened here? So basically I just either paid for Richard's cab ride home or that taxi that overheated, neither of which were my responsibility especially when I'm supposed to get a free cab ride to the airport. Lets just say, Franklin's going to need to up his refund to me. So if no one thought Richard was shady before and trust me, I already knew the man wasn't on the up and up, this just proves things. I just barely got to the airport in time but made it, only to watch a fight between 2 women, supposedly over one of them cutting in line. oh Ghana. My flight in Washington was delayed too but I met some lovely people there so it wasn't too bad. I seriously debated getting a Five Guys Burger at 7 am but decided against it since my stomach was not right to begin with. I did eat a lot of cheese when I got home though.
the adjustment hasn't been easy. Like I said, I don't exactly feel at home in my own home and driving is making me kind of nervous. I did get my eyebrows waxed though, that feels much better. I wish I could explain how it feels to be back but it's just hard. Everyone I spent this trip with knows how I feel I'm sure, but it's so hard to explain to anyone else how it is to see white people everywhere, or be able to have food at anytime. To have fast internet, coffee, TV. Basics we take for granted just don't feel right. I know I was ready to come home but I'm still a little unsure about where home is now. It's not easy...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Birthday in Ghana!
So, just wanted to assure everyone that i'm not dead in africa since it's been a while since i've posted and it's even been a week since i've been on facebook! a record for me yo. everything is absolutely amazing here. i've kind of found my groove and feel really at home here. i go and work at good shepherd in the mornings and basically just grade 6th graders papers and listen to the longest stories EVER from Ayuba, my new favorite person in Ghana. He's the teacher there and is basically the only teacher who doesn't cane the kids! he's really nice and everyone basically calls him my boyfriend around here. today he bought me a huge bag of candy and sheep meat from the side of the road. so romantic...
The group has been amazing, especially for my birthday today. i'm apparently getting cereal later which i'm pretty excited about. everyone is most likely expecting me to cry when i have it, i'm sure. vinolia made us this pasta salad this morning which is my favorite breakfast even if it's completely not breakfast food. i think i've had more to eat today than i have the whole trip actually.
I don't think i mentioned the trip to the beach we took a few weeks ago but i wanted to write a little bit about it. We went on the longest tro tro ride (about 5 hours) to Busua, but stayed at the Hideout lodge in Butre which is close but apparently not close enough to get a cheap taxi to (we paid 8 cedi, not cool). the beach was amazing though. on sunday it rained and it was actually cold, a cold i was not prepared for so i wrapped up in the sheet they gave me for the mattress i slept on (on the floor since it was a 4 bed tree house and 5 of us went. yeah i basically slept in sand). I learned how to play the african drums while watching the rain pour down on the beach. it was amazing.
So at this point there's 8 of us in the house. one of the guys left today since he broke his pinky toe in a soccer game between the schools last week. he's been hobbling around with the shower rod as his crutch for the past couple of days. A bunch of people will leave this weekend too (more tears to come of course) but we're trying to take a day trip to cape coast, possibly friday, then a trip to the beach saturday before they leave. at this point, i'll be the last person to go; ashley, my roomie leaves the same day i do but in the morning, but everyone else leaves before us. we hear there might be more people coming though.
my school stuff seems to be straightened out so i'm basically worry free, except of course i need a job when i come back. Ayuba, who seriously has magical powers, assures me i'll find something though. he says it is for sure. my favorite saying of his is "it's not easy." it seems everything in africa isn't easy lol.
i want to say so much more but i'd be here forever and, while an hour is only 70 peswas, i really don't want to spend the rest of my day in a hot internet cafe lol! the weather is amazing btw, it's basically their cold season since it's rainy. i've seen people in sweaters and coats, it's nuts. sometimes i feel a bit chilly too though. mosquito bites aren't as bad too!
alright i'm done for now! i'll try to write another soon, but really, i kind of like the isolation from the internet. best birthday ever though :)
The group has been amazing, especially for my birthday today. i'm apparently getting cereal later which i'm pretty excited about. everyone is most likely expecting me to cry when i have it, i'm sure. vinolia made us this pasta salad this morning which is my favorite breakfast even if it's completely not breakfast food. i think i've had more to eat today than i have the whole trip actually.
I don't think i mentioned the trip to the beach we took a few weeks ago but i wanted to write a little bit about it. We went on the longest tro tro ride (about 5 hours) to Busua, but stayed at the Hideout lodge in Butre which is close but apparently not close enough to get a cheap taxi to (we paid 8 cedi, not cool). the beach was amazing though. on sunday it rained and it was actually cold, a cold i was not prepared for so i wrapped up in the sheet they gave me for the mattress i slept on (on the floor since it was a 4 bed tree house and 5 of us went. yeah i basically slept in sand). I learned how to play the african drums while watching the rain pour down on the beach. it was amazing.
So at this point there's 8 of us in the house. one of the guys left today since he broke his pinky toe in a soccer game between the schools last week. he's been hobbling around with the shower rod as his crutch for the past couple of days. A bunch of people will leave this weekend too (more tears to come of course) but we're trying to take a day trip to cape coast, possibly friday, then a trip to the beach saturday before they leave. at this point, i'll be the last person to go; ashley, my roomie leaves the same day i do but in the morning, but everyone else leaves before us. we hear there might be more people coming though.
my school stuff seems to be straightened out so i'm basically worry free, except of course i need a job when i come back. Ayuba, who seriously has magical powers, assures me i'll find something though. he says it is for sure. my favorite saying of his is "it's not easy." it seems everything in africa isn't easy lol.
i want to say so much more but i'd be here forever and, while an hour is only 70 peswas, i really don't want to spend the rest of my day in a hot internet cafe lol! the weather is amazing btw, it's basically their cold season since it's rainy. i've seen people in sweaters and coats, it's nuts. sometimes i feel a bit chilly too though. mosquito bites aren't as bad too!
alright i'm done for now! i'll try to write another soon, but really, i kind of like the isolation from the internet. best birthday ever though :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
week 2
Well i hit my brick wall, so to speak, the other day. I flat out cried (and sorta laughed too) just from being so let down. obviously i didn't think i was going to change the world by coming here but it's a little hard to see change and its pretty much impossible to see large scale change. I started working at the orphanage this week which is definitely different than what i'm used to. today one of the teachers was sick so they combined classes and there were a good maybe 35 kids in one tiny room with one teacher and me. no supplies, just a chalk board and some slates and little books for the kids to write in. I'm helping a class of little ones; around 3-4 but they added in the older kids; probably around 6, so there was just no order in that room. definitely frustrating. some of the other girls are doing medical outreach and feel the same way. they don't feel they can truly help and are doing a lot of observing. i don't want to make it sound totally negative because it really has been so great being here so far but i've really learned a lot about myself and what i truly want, just within about a week.
it also smells here by the way. people pee everywhere and if you're a person who likes to know where their toilet is, this is not the country for you. the power hasn't gone out too many times, maybe 3 or 4 since i've been here and i came close to not having a shower the other night because the water was out. if it's out, we have to get a bucket from the tank in the back and take a bucket shower. i don't want to do that. i need my showers. but the smell is a mix of dirt, shit, BO, and diesel fuel exhaust. not fun. especially when you're riding in a tro tro or walking back 4 miles from the orphanage....
ok i'm complaining too much huh? it really is great here though. the girls i live with are so much fun. we went to a beach sort of near by last weekend and are going on a four day weekend trip to another beach this weekend. we'll do this dancing lesson thing the week after that, plus i really want to see the castles at cape coast. i feel like i do a lot in a day and have done a lot of different things just in the past week. we went to a hospital in Accra last week and i'm going to try to go with the other girls when they do rounds or counseling there. i want to go to the maternity clinic with one of the girls, even if she feels like she can't do much there, it would still be cool to observe. they have been talking about going to other orphanages in the area so i'll probably branch out too and try those out. it's cool that i'll get a lot of opportunities to see things here.
by now i think i've gotten used to the people just screaming obruni at me. the kids especially, could see you from a mile away and want to wave at you, just because you're white. the men kinda hit on us a lot too, i've gotten a lot of looks up and down, and a good couple of marriage proposals. they just want you for your money though. really, that's kind of the thing around here; if you're white the people think you're rich even if you have like barely enough money to get through the next semester of school (like me...) things are pretty cheap though, in some places. you get a bag of water for 5 peswas, which is like 5 cents. ice cream on the street is 50 peswas, a taxi ride could cost like 1 cedi (like a dollar) depending on where you're going. we take a taxi or tro tro to work in the morning which is like 30-40 peswas, then walk the 4 miles back. it's kinda nuts. but good for all the starch i'm eating. i want cereal sooooooooo bad.
ok well my time is almost up so i'm going to wrap things up but i'll try to write again soon!
it also smells here by the way. people pee everywhere and if you're a person who likes to know where their toilet is, this is not the country for you. the power hasn't gone out too many times, maybe 3 or 4 since i've been here and i came close to not having a shower the other night because the water was out. if it's out, we have to get a bucket from the tank in the back and take a bucket shower. i don't want to do that. i need my showers. but the smell is a mix of dirt, shit, BO, and diesel fuel exhaust. not fun. especially when you're riding in a tro tro or walking back 4 miles from the orphanage....
ok i'm complaining too much huh? it really is great here though. the girls i live with are so much fun. we went to a beach sort of near by last weekend and are going on a four day weekend trip to another beach this weekend. we'll do this dancing lesson thing the week after that, plus i really want to see the castles at cape coast. i feel like i do a lot in a day and have done a lot of different things just in the past week. we went to a hospital in Accra last week and i'm going to try to go with the other girls when they do rounds or counseling there. i want to go to the maternity clinic with one of the girls, even if she feels like she can't do much there, it would still be cool to observe. they have been talking about going to other orphanages in the area so i'll probably branch out too and try those out. it's cool that i'll get a lot of opportunities to see things here.
by now i think i've gotten used to the people just screaming obruni at me. the kids especially, could see you from a mile away and want to wave at you, just because you're white. the men kinda hit on us a lot too, i've gotten a lot of looks up and down, and a good couple of marriage proposals. they just want you for your money though. really, that's kind of the thing around here; if you're white the people think you're rich even if you have like barely enough money to get through the next semester of school (like me...) things are pretty cheap though, in some places. you get a bag of water for 5 peswas, which is like 5 cents. ice cream on the street is 50 peswas, a taxi ride could cost like 1 cedi (like a dollar) depending on where you're going. we take a taxi or tro tro to work in the morning which is like 30-40 peswas, then walk the 4 miles back. it's kinda nuts. but good for all the starch i'm eating. i want cereal sooooooooo bad.
ok well my time is almost up so i'm going to wrap things up but i'll try to write again soon!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Ghana so far
Well I just wanted to update everyone on how things are going so far! I got sorta sick-ish on Tuesday, no puking yet though! The food is definitely something to get used to; I've eaten rice, with no sauce, pasta, with no sauce, more rice with no sauce, rice pudding.... you get the drift. Today I had a smoothie though; we went to the mall in Accra which was pretty cool. But before that a group of us went to the leprosy camp which was definitely an experience. I obviously cried after we left because it was just so heartbreaking, a lot of these people had no feet or hands or whatever but still were so positive. We actually prayed with them which was really cool. It was just so neat to see how they believed so much in God and were still grateful, even in their condition. It gives a person a lot of perspective. When people say that they don't believe in God, I really wish they could experience something like that. The people still believed and were still amazingly positive through it all. It's just awesome.
So yes there really are goats and chickens EVERYWHERE especially around our house in Kasoa. I do have a toilet and a shower but the shower is cold. I really don't mind the cold after a nasty hot, humid day. The views are beautiful especially on the way to Accra which is technically about 30 miles from Kasoa but driving takes FOREVER! You can take a taxi but it's more expensive so most people take a tro tro which is like a huge van that fits a ton of people. The ones to Accra can fit about 23 in there, plus the women will keep the kids strapped on their backs so you could fit in a few kids too. The women also will put the stuff they want you to buy on their heads and balance it, just like you would think when you think of Africa lol. I definitely want to try it..and take pictures. I also want to see if I could strap a baby on my back like they do but I'm scared I'd drop a kid. Not sure they'd really care around here though...
I am basically nasty though, showering doesn't really help because it's so hot and the room we sleep in is kinda gross. The bathroom we have is gross-er but there's another one that is somewhat cleaner...I sleep under a mosquito net every night and put on bug spray before going to bed. I barely wear makeup!!!! Actually, I try to put on a bit of powder just cuz I feel gross without it but I've given up on my staple: eyeliner. Oh and I went to the beach on Monday, the first time in 24 years that I've seen the ocean, which was pretty cool.
I'm pretty sure Richard is my savior though. He's the house-brother, guide, whatever/ my new boyfriend lol. He takes us around and I'm pretty much dependent on him, actually I think today was the first time I went out with the group and not him (coming here to the internet cafe). He's awesome. I'm pretty sure I'm going to save up for him to get a motorbike because he's obsessed. Or a plane ticket so he can come see snow lol. Last night he flat out just thanked God that two of us girls didn't get sick and is so open about being respectful. It's crazy, Ghanians are pretty friendly and free but in some ways a little shady. They will call you white (actually there's a word for it but i'm not sure of the spelling off the top of my head). But they'll call you that and ask you how you are. Or they will call you fat or skinny. Really they just say what they see, it's not meant to be an insult, just telling it like it is. I don't mind, it's kind of funny.
So I think the group is waiting for me, so I've got to run, but I'll update again ASAP!
So yes there really are goats and chickens EVERYWHERE especially around our house in Kasoa. I do have a toilet and a shower but the shower is cold. I really don't mind the cold after a nasty hot, humid day. The views are beautiful especially on the way to Accra which is technically about 30 miles from Kasoa but driving takes FOREVER! You can take a taxi but it's more expensive so most people take a tro tro which is like a huge van that fits a ton of people. The ones to Accra can fit about 23 in there, plus the women will keep the kids strapped on their backs so you could fit in a few kids too. The women also will put the stuff they want you to buy on their heads and balance it, just like you would think when you think of Africa lol. I definitely want to try it..and take pictures. I also want to see if I could strap a baby on my back like they do but I'm scared I'd drop a kid. Not sure they'd really care around here though...
I am basically nasty though, showering doesn't really help because it's so hot and the room we sleep in is kinda gross. The bathroom we have is gross-er but there's another one that is somewhat cleaner...I sleep under a mosquito net every night and put on bug spray before going to bed. I barely wear makeup!!!! Actually, I try to put on a bit of powder just cuz I feel gross without it but I've given up on my staple: eyeliner. Oh and I went to the beach on Monday, the first time in 24 years that I've seen the ocean, which was pretty cool.
I'm pretty sure Richard is my savior though. He's the house-brother, guide, whatever/ my new boyfriend lol. He takes us around and I'm pretty much dependent on him, actually I think today was the first time I went out with the group and not him (coming here to the internet cafe). He's awesome. I'm pretty sure I'm going to save up for him to get a motorbike because he's obsessed. Or a plane ticket so he can come see snow lol. Last night he flat out just thanked God that two of us girls didn't get sick and is so open about being respectful. It's crazy, Ghanians are pretty friendly and free but in some ways a little shady. They will call you white (actually there's a word for it but i'm not sure of the spelling off the top of my head). But they'll call you that and ask you how you are. Or they will call you fat or skinny. Really they just say what they see, it's not meant to be an insult, just telling it like it is. I don't mind, it's kind of funny.
So I think the group is waiting for me, so I've got to run, but I'll update again ASAP!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
No matter how long it's been, you always remember. Someone talks about a movie, or you go to a particular restaurant, you hear a song. There will always be reminders, no matter how long someone has been gone from your life. It's been right around 6 years and I still remember Andy putting his number in my phone with the name "love of my life." I also remember the night he put his hands around my throat in anger. It's been 2 years since David came up to me to get the dance I asked for at his sister's wedding. But I also remember his call, telling me he didn't really love me. It's been a year since my first date with Mike, where we got excited about the things we had in common, even if it was as simple as drinks that we both liked. Remembering his words, that I created the monster he became in our dysfunctional relationship, still hurts me now.
But I will never stop believing in love.
Last week I finished a paper on love for my intro to theology class, a topic I picked to understand something I knew all along. I've loved, basically my entire life, with the agape I wrote about, unselfish, benevolent love with no strings. Most of the time it gets me in trouble; people probably think it's naive but I'm pretty sure I'm better off for it. I might cry (more than the average person!) and get upset for a while, spending time by myself, letting myself listen to all the songs I shouldn't. But I never, ever regret a second of time I spend with another person in which I gave them everything I could. I've been given a gift. And closing myself off and keeping myself from the potential to have something great is like keeping that gift locked away. Yes, things have turned out difficult and hard, and yes, I still get upset or sad when I think about time I spent with people, but that pain is nothing compared to how great it feels when you truly care for another person. It's the risk you take. And I'm going to keep on taking it.
But I will never stop believing in love.
Last week I finished a paper on love for my intro to theology class, a topic I picked to understand something I knew all along. I've loved, basically my entire life, with the agape I wrote about, unselfish, benevolent love with no strings. Most of the time it gets me in trouble; people probably think it's naive but I'm pretty sure I'm better off for it. I might cry (more than the average person!) and get upset for a while, spending time by myself, letting myself listen to all the songs I shouldn't. But I never, ever regret a second of time I spend with another person in which I gave them everything I could. I've been given a gift. And closing myself off and keeping myself from the potential to have something great is like keeping that gift locked away. Yes, things have turned out difficult and hard, and yes, I still get upset or sad when I think about time I spent with people, but that pain is nothing compared to how great it feels when you truly care for another person. It's the risk you take. And I'm going to keep on taking it.
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